The Festival Hookup that Literally Killed Me & Strangest Way to Blackout

Written by Rice Spice 

The following email contains content that is definitely NSFW, and contains adult language and situations that the some normies may consider offensive. 

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"At Lucidity Fest, I blacked out when this girl I had just met squirted right down my throat. Which is not so bad, in and of itself, only she was covered head to bloody tow with silver glitter, and of course the tent can turn I to a sauna if it traps enough body heat.

"Then it all runs down her bod, yeah? Silver streaks, like, all smeared across her bare tits, stomach, and fanny. So, there I am, minding my own business, having a good muff dive when, suddenly it feels like I caught a Super-Soaker full of paint chips to the back of me throat. Then I couldn't breathe."

His rave name is Rice Spice. I met him at a sex party in a massive hotel suite following Coachella.

Rice Spice and I were trading "The Worst Ever at a Festival" stories, and I had just told him about the hilarious time I was in the ER and had to wear a disguise to leave the hospital,l so I could sneak into EDC by hopping two 12-foot fences, fell, and went back to the hospital. 

That's when he started telling me about the time he basically died and was brought back to life after what might just be the worst festival hookup nightmare of all time.

"When it happened, I was so stunned and in such disbelieve that I froze, standing there like a wanker with my gob hanging open, gasping and wheezing for air. I couldn't breathe!

Then she fires off another round of her weaponized womanly holy water and - Boom! I get splashed in the face with another glitter bomb shooting out of her vajayjay!

If you know anything about how painful glitter is when it's squirted directly from a stranger's twat into your eye, then you know that the sociopathic piece of human refuse that what made it ought to be chained to a smart car, slathered in Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce then torn apart by a thousands of very old and extremely incontinent wolves, slowly."

Sidebar:

Later on, when i asked Rice Spice why he kept going on about wolves, he explained that, "Older wolves would still want to eat him alive, only their teeth aren't so good and they tire easily. Oh, they would definitely eat him alive, but it would take a very, very long time...

"So now I'm blinded and choking with glitter all in my eyes, nose, and throat. Can't see. Can't breathe. But I still have a massive hard-on.

Then, as I'm coughing and choking, well she must have thought I was a bloody carnival game the way the squirt directly down my throat AGAIN! Having the time of her life, that one was!

I can hear her on the air mattress, giggling away as she's diddling her skitlle. The last thing I remember was how bloody scared she sounded the moment she realized I wasn't faking it.

Then I blacked out.

Not sure what happened after that.  Guess she must have flagged down the medic, because that's where I woke up, and there was no way she carried me anywhere.

Never saw her after that. I wonder if she even knows I'm alive or not?

Anyway, I Had to ride in an ambulance so they could lube up some tubes and shove em down my throat. They wanted me to stay in the hospital for a few days, but I told em to piss the fuck off, I've got one more day of raging to do at Lucidity.

So I left the hospital with nothing on my back but the paper hospital gown they give ya. Then I walked all the way back to Lucidity just in time to catch the The Crystal Method set.

And not to get all sentimental on ya, but I think about that day often and how she could have just as easily wigged out when she saw me collapse and ran off. I would have been as good as dead if she had. I know I sound like a broken record but... I wasn't breathing, mate! I don't know... can you still save someone's life if you're the one who killed them first?

Anyway, like all good fairy tales, this one has a morale - The next time you fancy a quick shag, be mindful of that person's character. Because you never know when you're life (or other body parts) will be in their hands.