The E-Zoo Fuck Your Way to Freedom Story
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Written by Allison Eden
Looking back at my spree of serial festival hookups, there is one nightmare incident that is particularly cringe-worthy.
I've never told this story to anyone, verbally, textual, or otherwise. It's fucking embarrassed to even think about, and as soon as you finish reading this, you will understand why.
The only reason I've decided to write about it is because IDGAF what people think about me and I was kinda drawing a blank on this week's Hookup Nightmares segment.
Disclaimer:
The following story might be shocking to some readers, but it's also it's truly fucking hilarious. And like all of my Festival Hookup Nightmare stories, this one is unfortunately 100% true. The only thing I change in my stories is people's names because, holy fuck, this one would def get someone in big trouble.
It's also very NSFW, but if you looked at the name of this fucking segment and you still haven't figured that out, I hope you get fired and they give your unemployment check to trust fund club kids to roll up and use as a tooter.
Going to Electric Zoo with a Vag Full of Ketamine
This happened at Electric Zoo in New York on the first day of the festival.
Normally, I prefer camping festivals over day parties like E-Zoo, but my friends were going and I've honestly never had a bad time at E-Zoo. It's a smaller event, so it's easier to bump into someone you know.
How Allison Eden Sneaks Drugs Into Music Festivals
Security at festivals is always a mixed bag and you never know what you're walking into. Sometimes security will just wave you through and sometimes security will make it their mission to violate every last person.
In my personal experience, it really just depends on the temperament of each individual security, so I always hang back and observe each of the lines to get in at first. If you're paying attention, it's easy to spot which ravers in line are holding. They're the ones who get increasingly nervous the close they get to the front of the line.
So when I see someone else make it in with their stash unscathed, that's the line I pick. Also, ask around to see if anyone got busted that day and what happened to them.
If I see a cluster of big badge cops huddling together at the entrance, or if I see ravers routinely getting put into handcuffs while I'm waiting in line
Regardless, I always double bag my drugs and shove them up my snatch where no one will find them. Ladies, the in-the-bra trick has been blow up. I've had friends get busted in line when they bring ladies cops to feel up your titties under the bra.
So now, every festival, double bag, up the snatch. Works every time.
Still not as bad as my friend who brought in a big bag of moonrocks by hiding them inside his anal cavity. (In retrospect, I'm pretty sure now that he was just fucking with me when he said that. It was a BIG bag of sharp, jagged-looking rocks.)
In this occasion, I drew the short straw, so it fell on me to bring in the party favors for my entire group. Which I had no problem doing.
Still not as bad as my friend who showed late and brought in a big bag of moonrocks by hiding them inside his anal cavity. (In retrospect, I'm pretty sure now that he was just fucking with me when he said that. It was a BIG bag of sharp, jagged-looking rocks.)
How to Get Caught
The first stop when I got into the festival is the port-o-potty to retrieve the goods. Then my friends and I set up blanket on the lawn close to the main stage where we can all chill in a circle and do bumps of K.
At E-Zoo, like at many festivals, this is something that you see all the time. No one really tried to hide it. Which is why I was surprised when security basically tackles me as I'm doing a bump.
When you're used to doing your drugs out in the open and have never been caught, at some point the idea of getting caught seems like an impossibility. You think it'll never happen to you. You feel invincible. All the way up until you get caught.
So as the tall, skinny Dominican security guy is leading me away from my friends, I feel like I'm being dragged of to Auswich.
Desperation is a Stinky Cologne
I saw my life flash before my eyes and my career going down the shitter. I start crying and and pleading with him.
"Wait, you don't need to do this. Let me go and you can keep the K."
"No shit, I'm keepin' it." He said in a matter-of-fact tone than made me realize, I could work with this.
"Okay, keep it then and let me go."
"And why would I do that?"
"Because if you let me go, I'll blow you."
Hey, don't judge me. I was scared out of my mind.
"Well, that's a start." He said, without missing a beat.
When I looked in his eyes, I could tell that the thought had crossed his mind. I was 22 at the time and he couldn't have been more than a few years older than me. He had that dark and muscular lean thing going for him. He reminded me of a certain DJ who's name I couldn't never remember.
But he was obviously very dominant, which of course I loved.
He dragged me past a gate that partitioned some kind of security checkpoint.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked, still crying.
"Someplace private." He replied without so much as looking me in the eye.
Oh, shit. This is really going to happen. I could feel my heart racing. I've seen more than one porno that started under very similar pre-tense. But just because they do it in porn doesn't mean it's okay to do to someone in real life. Actually, especially if you saw it in porn.
Meanwhile, Someplace Private...
We walked for a while until finally He brought me to a picnic table in the middle of nowhere. We were still on Randall's Island and I could still hear the music, but I knew we were far from the festival. I remember seeing CNC yellow shirts walking by, so maybe we are somewhere backstage near the production area. There were a lot of people all around us, but not closely.
"Sit down." He ordered
"Yes, sir" I complied.
He slammed my little bump bullet of ketamine down on the table next to me, then just folded his arms and looked down at me, face grim as a statue
I try to give myself a pep talk, but fail. Well, Ally, it's now or never. I might end up in handcuffs, but I'm sure as shit NOT going to end up in jail today.
He just stood there looking down at me with a scary grimace on his face. It reminded me of my dad when he is disappointed with me.
So, like, anytime I see my dad.
Blowjobs Dont Always Make Men Happy
I undid his belt and unzipped his pants. He didn't move a muscle when I reached into his pants and pulled out this dick.
Then I remember thinking, wait, this guy is probably frozen because he's scared, too. Right?
Then I remember thinking, what if this asshole is, like, a predator and does this to girls at every event he works at. It would be crazy to assume that I'm the first. Right?
Then I remember thinking, Holy, shit. This guy is fucking hung like Donkey Kong. Okay, maybe this won't be so scary after all.
"God, Your dick is fucking huge." I told him.
"Talking won't get you out of this."
No matter what I said or did, I couldn't get him to break his "Grumpy Cop" character. Say what you will about sexual predatory security guards, at least this one stuck to his guns.
As I was sucking him dick, I remember thinking 3 things:
1. I can't believe this is happening to me.
2. This is actually pretty fucking hot.
3. I bet he is great at role playing.
So, there I was, sucking this dude's big brown dick to the music and daydreaming, when he suddebly cums in my mouth - completely unannounced!
"Rude!" I tried to say with his dick still in my mouth and his cum dripping all down my chin.
"Shut up and swallow it. All of it." He ordered me.
"Yes, sir."
I do my best to distract myself from the fact that this whole situation was a little sus, because I really like being ordered around in situations just like this.
I still don't know how I managed to not get any of his semen on my rave outfit, but I wasn't taking any chanced. I had been planning my E-zoo 'fit for over a month, so after swallowing a mouthful of cum, I started undressing. Thankfully, my outfit was quick and easy to take off.
I mean, I wasn't about to swallow this dudes cum and then NOT bang him.
Earning More That My Freedom
When I bent over the picnic table and looked back at him, I saw him hesitate. If there are any guys out there reading this, there is nothing a woman hates more than when she tries to fuck you and you get scared. It's embarrassing for both of us...
Afterwards, I was quick to put all my clothes back on. While he was turning the other direction to whipe his jizz-soaked limp dick on his socks (yeah, boys are gross) I swiped the K and stuck it in my bra, thinking I was being sneaky.
"You can have that back. I think you've earned it." He said, then finly cracked a smile.
As he escorted me back into the music festival to rejoin my friends. When they asked what happened I told them the truth: He had a sudden change of heart and decided to let me go. With my drugs.
Don't get me wrong, screwing him was totally my choice. If given the opportunity to do it all over again, I def would have still fucked.
Because even a festival hookup nightmare is better than going to jail
