How an Anonymous Threesome at LIB Festival Saved My Relationship

This is a true story written by Wit

This is a story about a complicated relationship, the intrinsic value of festival tickets, playing sex games in the middle of a music festival, and the magical power of threesomes. 

Lightning in a Bottle just might be my all-time favorite music festival. It's certainly one of the festivals I've attended the most.

But nothing could have prepared me for what I would experience at this Lightning in a Bottle festival a few years back...

How Lightning in a Bottle Destroyed - Then Fixed - My Relationship

I ended up with two extra 3-Day passes to Lightning in a Bottle a few years back. Like many people, I bought 3 tickets the very first day they went on sale! I've been going to LIB on and off for the last 10 years, and not once have I gone home disappointed. Why would this year be any different?

 

My girlfriend at the time had never been to LIB before, but her best friend had, so the two of us ganged up on her until she was convinced that going to Lightning in a Bottle would be the second-best experience of her entire life. And since I was the only one out of the three of us who had a disposable income, I bought all 3 tickets. 

 

FYI, when someone tells you they'll pay you back for tickets to a festival that's 6 months away, they're really just being polite...

 

Side note: If you've never been to Lightning in a Bottle, it's one of the all-around best community-centered music festivals in the U.S. for over 20 years - and it's one of the few major music festivals today that is well worth the ticket price! (Even though we get crazy discounts on our tickets here.)

 

The three of us were really excited as LIB drew near. Outfits were picked out. Party favors were acquired. I got a few new camping tools and toys to try out. My girlfriend, her best friend, and I were spending a lot of time together.

 

Drama on the Day of the Festival

 

The day of the festival finally arrives, and as I'm loading up the car, I realize we don't have enough food for the entire weekend. So I run off to the store, and I'm taking a long time because I get distracted easily and I can't decide between Starbursts and Hi-Chews.

 

So I lost a lot of time dicking around at the store. But when I get back home, there is a car I don't recognize parked in my driveway. Huh, that's weird.

 

There is no street parking where I live, so by the time I find a spot a few blocks from the house, I'm pissed. I walked back to the house and kick in the door.

 

"Who the FUCK parked in my spot?! Also, I've got Hi-Chews!"

 

From the bedroom, I hear my girlfriend's bestie scream, "Oh, shit! He's back!"

 

When I get to the bedroom, I find my girlfriend, her best friend, and some kid who looks like he just got his first facial hair last week. All three of them are chilling naked in bed, just watching TV.

 

This guy, whom I've never met in my life, grabs his clothes off the floor and goes, "HA! Now I slept with YOUR Girlfriend!"

 

Then he literally jumps out the window butt ass naked like a scene from a movie.

 

My first question was, "Who the fuck was that?!" Followed by, "Wait, wait. Did you both fuck some random dude while I was out buying groceries?"

 

My girlfriend and her friend and still naked in bed, under the covers, looking at each other as if neither of them knew the identity of the naked man who was just in bed with them.

 

Then her friend finally goes, "That was my boyfriend."

 

I start laughing so hard that I fall to my knees, holding my stomach, tears in my eyes, all out of breath laughter.

 

"Boyfriend?! The three of us have been fucking for months! When did you get a boyfriend?!"

 

Her eyes drop to the floor, and she says quietly, "Since high school."

 

And I bust up laughing once again for a straight minute as I try to put all the facts together.

 

"Wait, that's your HIGH SCHOOL boyfriend? Like, that you've been dating for years?"

 

She nods meekly, unable to make eye contact with me.

 

"You've basically been living here, though. Shit, at one point I thought you WERE living here. And all those times the three of us fucked on, like, a near a daily basis, not once did you mention that you had a boyfriend."

 

"It's complicated!" she screamed at me.

 

"Not if you're cuckolding him!" I yelled back.

 

"Stop picking on her! I fucked him, too, you know!" My girlfriend shouted at me.

 

"Why would you tell him that?!" Her friend asked, which was the same thing that I was wondering.

 

Anyway, the fight over who fucked who first dragged on and on. The time that we were supposed to leave to get to the festival on time came and went, while our shouting match was just going in circles.

 

"This is stupid. Why don’t you both just come to the festival with me, I'll fuck your brains out in our tent, then all will be forgiven." It was a good offer, I thought.

 

"I'd rather stay home and scissor all weekend than go live in a tent with wookies!"

She actually said this to me. I tried explaining to her what a Wook was, but I don't think she understood. I still giggle a little every time I think about it.

 

The later it got, the more I realized Lightning in a Bottle meant more to me than salvaging my relationship. So I decided to go to LIB by myself, with two extra passes in my pocket and no one to use them.

 

Solo-Raving, Late Arrivals & Nearly Dying

 

I made the long drive from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara by myself in the middle of the night. 3 times I nearly died when I fell asleep and almost drove off these sketchy-yet-beautiful cliffs overlooking the coast on Pacific Coast Highway. 

 

PCH-1 is a deathtrap. This is why you drive with a friend. Or with Adderall. 

The only reason I'm not fish food at the bottom of these cliffs is because it's impossible to doze off when you're headbanging to Excision at a volume that literally blew out my car's speakers, and a stray Adderall 30 pill I found underneath the passenger seat. (Never did find out how that got there...)

 

I would be lying if I said that my arrival time at LIB involved any sort of planning, but I got to the festival just in time to miss the long line of cars queued up to get inside. Sadly, some of my favorite memories of LIB involved pre-gaming while waiting to get inside the festival. But not this year...

 

I parked and left all of my camping stuff in the car while I walked to the entrance wearing all 3 of my 3-day wristbands. The sun had just set, but there were still groups of people arriving to the festival.

 

I'm going to be honest, when I set out to drive to the festival that day, I planned on selling my extra 2 wristbands for whatever I could get. I knew that no one would pay the same amount I paid for the passes, but I had hoped to at least recoup part of my losses. 

 

By the time I arrived at Lightning in a Bottle, the festival vibes started taking over, and I just started asking everyone I saw if they wanted 2 free 3-day LIB wristbands.. Maybe I could have sold them to someone, but it just seemed like too much work. I was at the festival, the sun had just set, and I was ready to party.

 

 I must have asked close to a hundred people if they wanted 2 free tickets to the festival that we were already at before someone pointed out that no one shows up to a 3-day camping music festival without buying tickets first.

 

Needless to say, I felt pretty dumb after that.

 

Since I was solo-raving, at least offering strangers free tickets was a good ice breaker that helped me meet lots of different groups of people.

 

New Friends, Expensive Earrings, & Rebounding

 

Ironically, I ended up getting adopted by the girl who pointed out how fucking dumb I was for even bringing my 2 extra tickets.

 

Whatever. I paid like $600 for what is essentially two ribbons with RFID chips that look like they were the cheapest prize

 

I could have bought the exact same thing at Michaels for less than $6.

 

I ended up giving them to my new friend and she made the two wristbands into some pretty sick looking earrings that she rocked for the entire weekend.

 

Shout out Starfire and her crew from Santa Barbara… or was it Santa Cruiz?

 

If you're watching this, send me a picture of those fucking earrings because I still cannot figure out how to managed to make those sick earrings out of a festival wristband.

 

Hide and Seek Festival Sex

 

Her group of friends were crazy, and after basically getting dumped, their energy was exactly what I needed.

 

Starfire and her friends were true exhibitionist hippies. They introduced me to this game they like to play at outdoor camping festivals. It was like hide and seek with sex. Basically you try to have sex in as many places around the festival as possible without getting caught.

 

Which, after the sun goes down, was surprisingly easy. You'd be surprised at how many people relaxing on blankets or those inflatable couches in the middle of the field are actually fucking. Or maybe it's not so surprising when you think about it.

 

But I guess we lost the game because we did get caught. Like... A lot. But never by security.

 

By the way, how awkward would it be for a security guard to go ask someone to please stop having sex the middle of a festival?

 

The Festival Sex Tape & Spinning the Block

 

There was this one guy, though who started filming us. Even after I told him to stop, just moved to a different spot and started filming again, pretending he was taking a video of the stage.

 

Look, if been too prison, I know how to fight, but a music festival is not the time or place. In that moment, I didn't know what else I could do. There are already videos of me fucking the internet, so I wasn't really concerned about that, but I couldn't say the same for the person I was with.

 

Luckily, it didn't come to that. I got him to delete the videos, though he probably backed them up or something like that. Then we left to continue the game in her tent.

 

The irony was that, later that night, Starfire and I consented to one of her friends filming the three of us hooking up in her tent.

 

"That was so hot," Starfire's friend said afterwards. "Can I post this to my OnlyFans?"

 

"Sure." I said. "Can I get a copy to send to my ex-girlfriend?"

 

"Absolutely!"

 

After the festival, as soon as I had cell reception, I sent a short clip of my in tents threesome at LIB to my live-in ex-girlfriend.

 

 On the long drive back, I received 67 text messages from her, ranging from...

 

"I'M GOING TO CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING BALLS, FIND THOSE BITCHES AND FEED EACH OF THEM ONE OF YOUR TESTICLES WITH A SIDE OF DRAINO!"

 

To ..

 

"I made you steak and potatoes for when you get back babe. While you eat I'm going to give you the longest blowjob of your life so you never leave me again."

 

Yes, I did end up getting back with my super toxic girlfriend for a time. I mean she was still living with me and, duh, steak and blowjobs.

 

We men are a simple folk...

 

And no, we are not together anymore. I broke up with her the minute the steak and blowjobs were off the table.

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